The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
