Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
