I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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