I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Randomize
