is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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