Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
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