i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
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