:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
