What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
