My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Come on in and take your pants off
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
