i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Sorry about my life...
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize