they say Disney World is the happiest place on Earth. It's a close second to the Super 8 on route 18. That place holds some great memories.
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
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I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
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Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
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