The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
