We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Randomize
