The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
