he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
