I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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