Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
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