Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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