hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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