at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
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