Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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