come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
