in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
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