am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
