I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
