so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
