I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
