my phone needs a breathalizer
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
