Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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