i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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