Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
me + whiskey = a bad person
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Randomize
