The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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