found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
a search helicopter?!
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
