My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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