I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
