who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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