Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
