I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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