i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
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