he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
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You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
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I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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