There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Randomize
