I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
