I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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