Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
