Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Randomize
