what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Randomize
