Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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