Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
