The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
