I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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