good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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