Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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