I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
