My liver just broke up with me...
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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