giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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