Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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