This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
