if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
