Pappa wants mamma naked
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
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